I can’t pinpoint when it happened.
One day I woke up and I was the fat girl.
If I’m being honest, I probably ignored all the warning signs because I truly believed this WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME!!
Now, I am the friend in my group. The jolly comedienne who jiggles when she laughs.
Me peers probably feel (subconsciously) better about themselves because they are not fat like me.
I have no fucking idea how this happened to me. But what’s new? I wake up some days and have no idea how I ended up in this life!
I knew I gained (and was gaining) weight, but jesushchrist…watdafuk? Everything is big and misshapen. I HATE IT!
This isn’t a new thing
I’ve been struggling to lose weight since I was a teen. I remember being 17 years old, skinny as fuck and thinking my body wasn’t as beautiful as my friend’s, because I had a ‘podgy’ tummy.
At 21 when I was a UK size 6-8, I also saw my stomach as a problem area. Oh, and a former friend put me on ‘anorexia’ watch…silly cow. It’s called a 21yo metabolism, excessive coffee and cigarettes and being active.
I had an ex break up with me because he didn’t like “big girls”. I was probably less than 150 lb at the time but I’d gained weight because:
- He was a bully
- He was a shitty, controlling prick with a too many complexes to list here
I was told to lose 10 lbs by a teacher once – I weighed 142 lb at the time was perfectly healthy. I tried to lose the weight all the same.
At 165 lb I felt so depressed by my body, I tried every single diet I could think of. I suffered and suffered and suffered. I hated myself so much. My wedding dress was an atomic level fucking disaster. Low self-esteem will do that to a woman.
At 176 lb, I promised never to hit 180 lb. then I hit 185 lb and I swore to all the gods that would listen I would never go above 190 lb because that would mean I was only 10 lb away from 200 lb.
204 lb on the scale
Well, what do you fucking know? Look who hit their non-target weight with extras?
I don’t even have the energy to stay mad.